Saturday, October 27, 2012

A cheat sheet for Presidential Debate buzzwords

 I’d like to turn today’s post over to a really funny guy. Meet:

 Jean-Luc Bouchard

Hello, fellow Vassarians! In case you were too busy playing “Madden 13” or watching Glee on Hulu to be a good American, I’ve compiled (out of the bottom of my seemingly bottomless heart) a cheat-sheet list of Presidential Debate buzzwords. This way, you stand a chance to hold your own in one of those savage street-debates against Marist College Political Science major gang. Just find a frequently-spoken word from the debates on the list below, read the description, and argue away!

The middle class:
If this election was a novel, the middle class would be the obvious motif every average-level middle school English class would be able to name. According to both candidates, the middle class is like Superman and delicious chocolate candy rolled into one. Think of the greatest thing you can possibly imagine in the confines of your vast imagination. That’s nothing compared to the middle class. But although the candidates that the middle class is just, oh God, just fucking incredible, they have radically different agendas aimed towards it. Whereas Obama has stated that he will, “Lovingly spoon rice pudding into the middle class’s mouth as we watch Love, Actually and talk about where we want to live someday,” Romney’s platform calls for, “An unforgettable night of hot tub sex, room service, and painting portraits of each other’s naked bodies. Also tax cuts.”

Florida, Ohio, and Pennsylvania:
Like the middle class, but in state form, and more susceptible to promises of rice pudding as long as you mention it coming from a specific hometown diner.

Regulation of the economy:
For Obama, “regulation” is the ugly kid at school who no one wants to full-out admit is secretly do-able. For Romney, “regulation” is a softer version of the term “Communist legislation.”

Gargalon, or, Basement Shame:
Mitt Romney’s rarely seen daughter. Gargalon made the news earlier this week when she tried to show up at the last debate like she was a person, in people clothes, instead of staying back in the basement where she can’t bring Mulan-esque dishonor upon her family. In a recent TIME Magazine interview, Gargalondisclosed that her favorite movie was “the film reel of my father’s speeches,” her favorite food was “my daily bucket of pig knuckles,” and her favorite vacation spot was “sunlight.”

President Reagan:
Judging from the context of both candidates’ use of this term, I’m guessing “President Reagan” is either an experimental supercomputer built in the dungeons of IBM that somehow uncontradictorily critiques the efforts of both parties simultaneously, or it’s slang for premium Columbian coke, as in the sentence, “When I worked with President Reagan back in the 1980s…”

Similar to a medieval European whipping boy, but older and more susceptible to mid-debate weeping.

Big Bird:
Something the internet cares about a lot more than reproductive rights, and that Romney loves a heck of a lot more than Gargalon.

Foreign policy:
Any topic ranging from the nation of Israel to the Israeli people to our closest Middle Eastern allies, the...who is it again? Gosh, it's right on the tip of my tongue...

For Romney, this word (from the Ancient Greek healthcarusso, meaning “a thing every other country already has”), when spoken, alerts his supporters to begin rolling their eyes back into their heads and chanting in tongues as they punch and kick a Christmas ham with Obama’s face carved into the side. For Obama, this word is the rarely-used, less-awesome version of the word “Obamacare,” stripped of its aphrodisiac qualities.

George W. Bush:
The mythical ruler of yore, who’s now off somewhere painting dogs (for reals, google it). You may remember Bush from back in 2002, when he made the news for choking on a pretzel. Also he was our president.

Binders full of bayonets and horses:
I may not have been paying super-close attention when I heard this one...but I think it has to do with women in the military. (source)

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